


Sweet But Psycho

by Thunderbirdswolvesandlilacs



Series: The Trials and Tribulations of the Mechanic and the Trickster [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Atheist Tony Stark, BAMF Loki (Marvel), Bisexual Loki (Marvel), Bisexual Tony Stark, De-Aged Tony Stark, Developing Relationship, Extremis Tony Stark, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Idiots in Love, Irondad, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Jewish Tony Stark, Jewish Wanda Maximoff, Loki & Thor Friendship (Marvel), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Minor Bruce Banner/Betty Ross, Minor Bucky Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Minor Carol Danvers/James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Minor Jane Foster/Thor, Minor Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Minor Scott Lang/Hope Van Dyne, Minor Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Minor Stephan Strange/Christine Palmer, Minor T'Challa/Everett Ross, Minor Wanda Maximoff/Vision, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Clint Friendly, Not Sam Wilson Friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Mid-Credits Scene Compliant, Not Wanda Friendly, Not pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) compliant, Obsessive Behavior, Original Character(s), Other, Parent Loki (Marvel), Parent Tony Stark, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Plot Twists, Possessive Loki (Marvel), Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Protective Loki (Marvel), Slow Burn, Song: Queen of Mean (Disney), Team Cap bashing, Thanos (Marvel) Dies, Themes from Disney Descendants 3, Thor is a troll, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, Verbal Sex, not team Cap friendly, one sided Wanda Maximoff/Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21963595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thunderbirdswolvesandlilacs/pseuds/Thunderbirdswolvesandlilacs
Summary: Tony was no stranger to unwanted sexual advances, psychotic exes, and obsessive stalkers. Call it a hazard of being rich and irresistibly fabulous.He just never thought in a million years that Maximoff would ever be one of them.Maybe he was better looking in his youth than he gave himself credit for (and he gave himself alotof credit).On the upside there was a devilishly handsome Trickster coming to his rescue.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Series: The Trials and Tribulations of the Mechanic and the Trickster [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587700
Comments: 137
Kudos: 666





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [borderlinecrazy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/borderlinecrazy/gifts).



> This work is in response to a prompt by borderlinecrazy who asked:
> 
> I want to see a fic where something changes (either Tony uses Extremis to heal and it dramatically changes his appearance, or Wanda gets cursed and forgets why she hates Tony) (either is fine) and as result Wanda starts hitting on Tony *constantly* to his mortification and horror. After some time of this, he finally gets so desperate for her to back the heck off, he yells at her "I'm GAY! I sacrificed my virginity to Loki in my youth for my technical skills, and it was such a profound, transcendent experience no woman could ever truly satisfy me after that!"  
> Loki, of course, finds out, and being who he is (Chaos) and how he feels about Wanda (She's undisciplined/untrained, which is one of Loki's biggest pet peeves, see his constant harping on Thor for Thor's lack of brains) he *absolutely* goes with it, going so far as to rub his "sexual superiority" in Wanda's face whenever he can
> 
> Hope I did your request justice!

_The first thing he noticed was an annoying buzzing. Almost like static._

_And it wasn't stopping._

_If anything it was getting louder._

_"Erg Friday shut off the TV, alarm, whatever that is!" Tony grumbled, wanting to get back to sleep._

_"Boss? Is that you?" Friday exclaimed, sounding surprised yet hesitant._

_"What do you mean is that me? Who else would it be?" Tony snarked._

_"...."_

_"Friday?" Tony asked, now more concerned then he was a moment ago._

_Clearly there was something wrong._

_"...My systems indicate brain activity that would suggest you are awake however you are still unconscious" Friday stated, sounding baffled._

_"What?!" Tony exclaimed._

_"You are speaking to me through the servers Boss" Friday elaborated._

_"That's impossible!" Tony retorted, starting to panic._

_Distantly he heard voices._

_"What happened?!"_

_That no nonsense tone was definitely Pepper._

_"We're not sure Ma'am"_

_"Heart rates don't spike like that for no reason"_

_Honeybear._

_"It could be that he's waking up"_

_Waking up._

_Waking up?_

_From what?_

_Had he been hurt recently?_

_What **was** the last thing he remembered?_

_"Or having a nightmare. God only knows what happened in Siberia"_

_**Siberia.** _

_Pain. Blood. Death. Lies. Steve. His Mom. God his **Mom**._

_"His heart rate is spiking again!"_

_"What the hell is wrong with the electrical system in this place?!"_

_"Doctor the machines are going haywire!"_

So it turns out that the injuries he'd compiled from the airport fiasco and his fight with Barnes and Noble had left him near death.

Since Rhodey had been in surgery himself, Pepper had made the call to inject him with the version of Extremis that he'd stabilized and used for his arc reactor removal surgery. 

Only instead of keeping it concentrated in his chest cavity Helen and Wu monitored him while it fully integrated with his DNA.

The problem?

Well that depends on how you define problem.

Helen tweaking the serum's regenerative potential resulting in him physically de-aging to his twenty-three year old self?

Fine. His back and chest never felt better and the flexibility of his younger years was a boon (eyebrow waggle implied here).

The only minor headache was having to wear a photostatic veil whenever he went out in public.

But to be fair he put on a “mask” every time he left the sanctity of his lab so it was more like a formality anyway.

The serum re-writing the function of his micro-repeaters into his DNA?

Technopathic tech genius.

Enough said.

Other than the brief initial personal internal queries (read: crisis) into the level of his humanity, he made peace with all that.

Secretary Ross trying to kidnap him for experimentation?

Gave Murdock enough damning information to see that he was buried deeper than the Abomination.

So his problem?

Two words: Wanda Maximoff.

Shocker he knows. But it’s not what you think.

And really, Tony seriously wanted to know who he pissed off in a past life to deserve this shit.

He was the world's punching bag.

He knew this.

It was a fact of life right up there with Murphy’s Law.

But this? _This_?!

This was some next level shit he couldn't even begin to fathom.

What was this so called epic level bullshit you ask?

Well that's an... interesting story.

And by interesting he means fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the work is a reference to the song Sweet But Psycho by Ava Max.


	2. Chapter 1: A Comedy of Errors

**(Tony’s POV)**

“You ready for this?” Rhodey asked, as we waited on the tarmac, giving me a critical don’t-even-think-about-lying-to-me glare.

“Not even remotely” I replied dismissively, trying to force down my nerves, “This is gonna be fun”

“You know you don’t have to be here” Carol reminded me, straight to the point as always.

“Kicking me off the Team already?” I stated sarcastically, my gripping my heart in false pain, though the phantom reminder of Natasha’s false assessment of me still ghosted across my memories.

Carol just rolled her eyes, “If it’s too soon-”

“Baptism by fire Captain Marvelous. Better to jump into the deep end then torture yourself wading into the shallows” I cut her off, trying to sound flippant.

“Jumping into a situation you’re not fully prepared for is not exactly wise either” Hope countered, raising an eyebrow at me.

“And sneaking around my own Compound is a better alternative? It’s my building. Literally. I own the building. If anything they need to be the ones checking around corners” I huffed.

No. I wasn’t the criminal, the “villain” this time.

I was done letting them walk all over me. I’ll go where I damn well please.

“You sure about…” Hope gestured her hand around her face.

“I’m not about to start wearing the veil around the Compound just because Rogers’ wittle feelings may be hurt at seeing the results first-hand of his near murdering me” I deadpanned.

“They shouldn’t be coming back here at all” Rhodey murmured out a growl.

‘Well. No going back now’ I thought grimly, hearing the increasing intensity of the jet engines as the quinjet descended for landing.

Immediately I straightened my spine and schooled my expression into one of professional indifference.

Of course watching Rogers and the rest of his misfits saunter down the ramp made me want to punch Rogers in his perfect teeth again ( _harder_ this time around).

Though for a moment Rogers looked extremely confused and maybe even a little...disappointed as he scanned those of us waiting for his (paroled) ass to finish making his way to the tarmac.

He was also newly shaven as well, and I couldn’t help but feel slightly robbed of the chance to use any of the snide remarks I’d come up with about his depression beard.

More impressively though, none of Team Crap were giving me the stink eye. Hell Maxi-pad didn’t even seem the least bit hostile or vengeful and she was staring straight at me.

“Captain Rogers, allow me to welcome your group back to the States” Carol greeted, shaking Steve’s hand.

“Thank you Ma’am” Steve said, giving her a small respectful nod.

“Just call me Carol. As you know Colonel Rhodes and I are the new Leaders of the Avengers. After your tour the Team is to meet up in the Training Room” she explained to them.

“Tour?” Sam asked, curious.

“The Compound’s been updated and renovated during your stint as...vigilantes” Vision began, trying to choose his words carefully as to not insight conflict.

“In other words, criminals on the run who continued to break the law” Rhodey deadpanned, not giving a damn.

“In addition, Mr. Lang has never been to the Compound before” Vision continued on, as if Rhodey hadn’t just gotten in a dig.

Just as Scott was about to open his mouth to comment on technicalities Hope cut him off with a sharp, “Legally”.

“Right. Yeah. I know. Sorry about that by the way” Scott stammered awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head, “World was in trouble. It was faster...You know how it is...right?”

“Faster than ringing the doorbell?” Rhodey deadpanned, causing Scott to wince.

Awwww. That's my Sourpatch. Killing morons with common sense since 1970.

“Faster than trying to convince my Father to ask the Avengers for help anyhow” Hope sighed, a small frown on her face.

“Yeah. Right. So tour?” I stated, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.

I didn’t like how Maximoff was staring at me.

She didn’t look angry per say...But ever since she stepped out of the quinjet she’d been staring at me with uncomfortably intense gaze.

“You sure?” Rhodey asked, grabbing onto my shoulder with a firm protective grip.

“Vision and I can handle a little Show-and-Tell” I eyerolled, controlling the tremor in my voice as I tried to act more confident than I was.

“Down boy” Clint scoffed, rolling his eyes at what he likely thought was overdramatics, “We’re not gonna hurt him or anything. Pinky promise”

“Your promises are meaningless. If I find out-”

“Rhodey that’s enough” Carol near ordered, narrowing her eyes at him, “It’s already been decided”

Of course my darling Honeybear gave Team Crap one last glare, stating (warning them) that, “Friday is always watching”, before he walked off with Carol and Hope.

“Well. That went well” I said sarcastically, clapping my hands together as a mocking smile graced my lips.

“If that’s your definition of well I’d hate to know what bad is” Sam commented sarcastically, though there was no edge to his voice that indicated that it was a barb.

“Nobody’s bleeding” I retorted, boldly testing the waters.

“Yet. Don’t worry, we won’t drip any on the carpets” Natasha smirked, giving me a knowing glance.

Unlike the rest of them Nat and I already (sort of) reconciled.

The boomerang of her breaking Cap’s nose when she found out about Siberia serves as one of my greatest joys these days.

“Low bar” Rogers commented, actually sounding mildly playful as opposed to how he always seemed to be annoyed by my attempts at levity.

“I’ve learned it’s best not to set expectations too high” I commented, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Hopefully we can show you otherwise” Rogers said, giving a disarmingly soft yet confident smile that made my head spin in confusion.

What the hell?!

Is he fucking with me right now?!

“I believe it is best that we begin” Vision cut in, seeing that I was still blue-screening.

The tour was...interesting.

And by interesting I mean terrifying.

They were being _nice_.

NICE!

Rogers actually seemed like he got surgery for that stick up his ass.

Lang was exactly how Hope described him: an awkward puppy.

One who practically started clinging to me when we started talking about engineering and tech.

Clint and Sam were cracking jokes and acting like I was “one of the guys”. Hell they even roped me into their little “tease Cap” game.

They _definitely_ had to twist my arm to play. Cough sarcasm cough.

Though it wasn’t perfect.

Barton, Rogers, Wilson, and Lang kept calling me kid.

And in some fucked up way that little mocking dig made me feel slightly better as it let me know that they were still in fact holding a bit of a grudge.

All these false niceties were putting me on edge.

Of course the proverbial cherry on top was the fact Maximoff hadn’t taken her eyes off me once during the entire tour.

Hell if I didn’t know any better I would’ve said she actually blushed the few times I looked her way.

But I did know better.

Soooooo...I don’t fucking know.

I’d say it’s because I don’t know women, but I feel like that’s an insult to women everywhere.

So, to paraphrase a friend, “[Her] brain is a bagful of cats”.

And I’m not a cat person.

(And for the record, Goose is not in fact a cat).

“Your rooms are as you left them. Lang you now have a room next door down from Barton. Feel free to decorate as you please” I informed him as we made our way through the corridor.

“Seeing as he’s trapped here” I heard Maximoff mutter almost inaudibly ( _almost_ ).

‘Finally’ I thought, relieved that the farce was over.

“The Compound isn’t a prison Ms. Maximoff” I stated firmly, not being able to control the slight frown on my face as I turned back to look at her.

Maximoff looked at me startled, an embarrassed blush crossing her face.

“Look...about before...You should have had someone explain to you the full extent of the bad spot you were in because of Lagos. Maybe if you had it might’ve changed things...Or it might not have. I don’t know” I ground out uncomfortably.

Maximoff’s eyes widened in shock.

I hated having to apologize to her _at all_.

Especially when she never apologized for any of her past crimes.

But all of us had a hand in how everything went down during our “Civil War”.

Even though it was 88% Rogers’ fault (and Team Crap).

The other twelve percent was split between Thunderthighs, Ross #2, Zemo, Carter, and myself (mostly the former four though).

None-the-less, even Natasha’s scare tactics can’t fix everything. So as usual I was left being the “better person”.

“I was at fault for that as well” Vision cut in, “I should not have...sugarcoated your situation as a way to shield you from emotional pain. I fear that only resulted in more harm than good”

“Thank you…” Maximoff said softly, looking almost touched, her cheeks reddening slightly.

Wait, what…?

Where was the red mist?

The temper tantrum? The righteous anger?

“While I was not happy about being placed under house arrest, unofficially or not, I shouldn’t have harmed you like that Viz. It was only after I went on the run that I realized just how bad things were for me...And instead of making amends I made things worse” Maximoff admitted, looking down at her hands guiltily.

What the fuck?...

Am I in the twilight zone?

Did I die in Siberia and am now forever trapped in a never ending hell of rational thought and decency?!

“We all did” Rogers stated seriously, placing a comforting hand on Maximoff’s shoulder, before turning to me, “Thank you. What you said means a lot”

I’m seriously tempted to see what would happen if I activated my wrist-watch gauntlet and shot myself in the leg.

“You think we got a good deal after everything?” Sam asked me, actually sounding genuinely curious about my opinion for once.

“I do” I replied, gazing back at him with firmly assured conviction.

Too good of a deal.

“Then I will try” Maximoff stated, sliding up to me almost...shyly, reaching her hand out to grip mine in what seemed like a grateful squeeze.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I pulled back abruptly, decidedly ignoring the hurt on Maximoff’s face.

Maybe they were all Skrulls?

Was Talos punking me?

“Y-yes well, just don’t go around putting any more holes in the building and I’d say the ankle monitor craze will fade out in no time” I said, trying to cover up just how  
uncomfortable I was.

Moving another step to the side I gestured like a runway attendant to the right.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, that concludes our tour today. Please exit single file as you make your way to the Training Room, if you have any further questions please let me know and have a sunshiny day” I sarcastically singsonged, doing my best rendition of a flight attendant.

Barton and Wilson snorted, sounding either amused or annoyed at my “ego”.

Probably my “ego”.

Be the bigger person. 

You know what? Fuck that.

Whoever came up with that was some schmuck who let the world walk all over him and never learned the benefits of true catharsis.

“Will Tony be attending the Training Session as well?” Rogers asked, sounding mildly hopeful but not expecting much.

"..........................."

“.................What?”

“He means Iron Man kid” Sam clarified.

“..........................”

“......You’re joking right?” I asked, not sure what else to say.

“Look son, we all made mistakes back then. We just would like to know if Tony will be at the Training Session so that we can all talk afterwards. Officially clear the air” Rogers said, sounding mildly exasperated and defensive.

“...............”

Holy shit they weren’t kidding.

This wasn’t a joke.

This _entire time_ they had no idea.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Natasha give me a smugly amused smirk with only the barest hint of sadism to it.

The little fox.

“I am confused” Vision cut in, sounding genuinely baffled, “Mr. Stark will indeed be joining us during the Training Session, however you are speaking as if you cannot converse with him now”

“We can?” Rogers said, his eyes suddenly very alert, “Where is he?”

“Right here” Vision stated, gesturing to me as if it should have been obvious.

Team Crap...No...Team Oblivious Moron whipped their heads back in my direction, their eyebrows either hitting orbit or crunching together in confusion.

“I know my van dike is iconic but even I can rock clean shaven” I snarked, forcing myself not to shift under their scrutiny.

“WHAT!!??”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Shakespeare's A Comedy of Errors :)


	3. Chapter 2: The Other Woman

**(Third POV)**

"Friday. Is anyone in the kitchen right now?" Tony asked, no longer able to deny his coffee addiction (he really hates the new no coffee pot in the lab rule).

_"None of the Avengers are currently in the kitchen right now. However Mr. Laufeyson is" Friday informed him._

"I'll take it" Tony proclaimed, getting up from his chair, "Show me the yellow brick road Baby Girl"

Tony's eyes began to glow blue as a layout mapping out directions for him like a GPS overlaid his vision.

Tony knows that he said he wouldn't hide in his own damn building. And he isn't!

He just happened to check in with Friday as to the whereabouts of Team Infantilism.

Why Rogers and his band of misfit toys felt the need to infantilize their _adult_ team members he would never understand.

He was a fucking forty-seven year old man, and unlike Rogers he actually _lived_ every one of those years!

Hell even when he _had_ been twenty-three he'd already been the CEO of Stark Industries for almost three years!

To be called a fucking kid was insulting!

And he couldn't even begin to fathom why Maximoff let Rogers get away with it! He sure as hell didn't!

And there laid his _real_ problem.

Maximoff.

He'd thought for sure once he and Vision had drilled it into Team Crap's skulls that, yes, he was in fact the real Tony Stark and not some younger clone or LMD, that Maximoff would go back to her grudging indifference of his existence.

 _Instead_ , she like the rest of Team Crap treated him like he was someone else entirely and not the same Tony Fucking Stark they had deemed "untrustworthy" a year ago.

Only instead of trying to be all buddy buddy with him Maximoff decided that IronWitch would somehow work when Pepperony didn't.

And Tony. Just. Didn't. Understand.

Sure he was a handsome devil no matter the age, but extremis didn't suddenly turn him into a siren.

How Maximoff's mind went from slating him as Must Kill to Must Marry is beyond his scope of comprehension (and he was a fucking super genius).

Of course he was grudgingly polite in declining her advances in the beginning.

That did him jack shit. 

So he opted to avoid her whenever possible, hoping that she'd get the hint.

She didn't.

And She. Was. Fucking. Everywhere.

If he was in the kitchen she would just "happen" to pop in and offer to make him food.

If he was actually in the bedroom he'd made up for himself at the Compound, she was knocking on his door not five minutes later.

He would walk out of another mind-numbingly stupid meeting of politics with the idiots of the free world and she would be standing outside the door with Aleve and pizza.

He would turn a random corner and she was _just fucking there_.

He felt like the victim in a slasher film.

Except those victims were luckier. They were at least put out of their misery.

He couldn't go anywhere without her sniffing him out like a bloodhound.

He knew she had to be using her powers to feel him out.

Which meant he needed to bite his tongue and have a serious discussion with Strange about energy shielding ( _not_ magic).

And when he started hiding out in his lab she started pinging for entrance _inside_. 

DENIED.

And if he managed to elude her grasp she would write little notes for him, hearts and everything, and tact them where he could see them.

_She made him his coffee._

_She defiled the most sacred of his lifeblood._

_That_ was crossing the line.

And the fact that Rogers, Barton, and Wilson encouraged her pursuit of him despite his very clear revulsion placed the three of them on his black list indefinitely (Lang, Natasha, and Vision were in the gray area for now).

Hell it got to the point Peter, _Peter_ , actually gave the Team the "No Means No" lecture.

Not that they listened of course, they just told Maximoff that she was coming in too strong and needed to take things slowly.

She could take steps millimeter by millimeter for the next one hundred years and she'd still never make any headway with him.

There was seriously something wrong with Maximoff's head (he knew that already but still!) if she thought he'd ever cave and actually agree to go on a date with her.

Tony almost breathed a sigh of relief when he entered the nearly empty kitchen.

No Rogers. No Barton. No Wilson.

And most importantly.

No Maximoff.

It really must be the end times for him to be happy about being alone with _Loki_ anywhere.

"Stark" Loki greeted, though his eyes, promising death, never left the machine in front of him.

Tony had to admit it was sort of gratifying to see the former Asgardian King struggling to use a simple Earthly coffee maker.

Though to be fair, Loki was much quicker on the uptake than Thor.

And not too displeasing on the eyes if he was being honest with himself.

As opposed to his usual attire, Loki was donning a black sleek cut suit and a dark green almost black undershirt with a shiny dark forest green silk tie, and his hair, lacking it's usual greasy sheen, was pulled back into an attractive low pony-tail.

'Must've just gotten out of a meeting' Tony speculated.

Despite Thor explaining to the UN (and the Team) several times that Loki was under both Thanos' thumb and the influence of the Mind Stone at the time of the Invasion, those harmed tend to have long memories.

As such, Loki was being monitored fairly closely and was made to attend monthly meetings regarding his behavior and level of usefulness to the Avengers.

Tony could empathize.

"If you break it I'm not fixing it" Tony exclaimed, mildly amused.

"If you are going to lie at least make it believable" Loki retorted, his tone the vocal equivalent of an eyeroll.

"Fair. But who says that I'll be returning it when I do?" Tony countered back as he made his way closer to the kitchenette.

"I believe the rules state that coffee making devices are banned from the laboratories. Your vocal vehemence on the matter was quite entertaining" Loki countered right back, now facing him, a slightly amused mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You think that would stop me?" Tony questioned him, raising an eyebrow as he leaned against the counter.

"And yet here you are. Had you created a coffee device for your own personal use you would not have left the sanctity of your hideaway and undertake the risk of running into the Witch by coming here" Loki countered back smoothly, though a scowl made its way onto his face at the mention of Maximoff.

"Not a Scarlet Witch fan I take it?" Tony inquired, mildly surprised.

Loki was only a reluctant consultant for the Avengers. Only assisting when absolutely necessary, so he wasn't often at the Compound.

It also meant that he wasn't mandated to attend Team Bonding Nights.

Lucky bastard.

"She irks me on a fundamental level" Loki proclaimed, a small growl making its way up his throat, completely surprising Tony with the intensity of his feelings. 

To Tony's knowledge Maximoff and Loki barely interacted at all.

Seeing how pissed off Loki seemed to be right now just _thinking_ about Maximoff, Tony wondered if Loki's lack of interaction with the Witch was intentional. 

Though if he had to guess, unlike him, Loki's avoidance wasn't because Maximoff was sending him rapey vibes.

"Welcome to the club" Tony muttered bitterly.

"Club?" Loki inquired, sounding equal parts curious and confused.

"We're an anti-Scarlet Witch faction. Small in numbers but we make up for it with intelligence and common sense" Tony stated with false cheer.

"Traits such as those are hard to find these days" Loki commented, a genuine sparkle of amusement and interest flashed in his eyes as a small smirk adorned his lips, softening his generally taut expression.

'Damn. Genuine's an attractive look on him' Tony couldn't help but think before mentally slapping himself.

"Speaking of hard to find. It's about time I make myself scarce. So step aside from the liquid gold Reindeer Games" Tony stated, realizing with a slight urgency that he'd already spent more than ten minutes outside the lab.

The fact that Maximoff had yet to show up was a miracle in and of itself.

"No need to be in such a hurry. The Witch cannot sense you here" Loki stated slowly, watching Tony's reaction very closely.

Tony froze, hand still on the coffee pot as he processed what the other man said.

"What?" Tony stated dumbly, completely baffled, immediately giving Loki his full attention.

"I near perpetually have my presence cloaked from others. When you entered the room I cloaked you as well" Loki replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?" Tony demanded, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at the sorcerer.

"I'm not a fan of repeating myself" Loki drolled.

'He really doesn't want to be in Maximoff's presence _that much_ he's willing to shield me from her?' Tony pondered curiously, skeptically.

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to teach me the science and mechanics behind your little trick?" Tony could help but find himself asking, despite how monumentally bad of an idea it was to ask the God of Lies, Mischief, and Chaos for help.

Loki merely raised an eyebrow of his own at him, "You already have one".

"If I had a method to block her do you think I would be scoping out every location before leaving my lab?" Tony retorted, rolling his eyes.

"The light in your chest" Loki proclaimed sounding like he was wondering if Tony was daft, pointing to where the arc reactor used to rest, "It gave off an energy similar to that of an Infinity Stone and blocked my attempt to use the Mind Stone to control you"

".................."

"I HAD A VIABLE WAY TO BLOCK HER THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME???!!!"

Loki just looked on, equal parts amused and disbelieving of Stark's idiocy as the man furiously rubbed at his temples.

"Well...Thanks" Tony muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration as he mentally started forming the schematics for a new arc reactor that would project an energy field around him with extremis, "I guess now I owe you one"

Loki hummed thoughtfully for a moment before giving Tony a small smirk, "I never did get that drink"

Tony looked up at Loki in surprise.

Of all the things he expected him to say, that wasn't it.

"Beer?" Tony inquired, making his way over to the bar.

"Tequila Sunrise" Loki corrected, following after him.

Tony snorted as he mixed the ingredients together, "Should've guessed your tastes were completely opposite of your brother's"

"Unlike that buffoon I actually have royal class" Loki deadpanned, taking a sip of his drink, letting out a pleased noise.

"My regards to the tender" Loki praised, raising his glass slightly to him in respect.

"Any time Reindeer Games" Tony replied, "And not that this hasn't been fun but I actually do need to get ready for tonight"

Tony wanted to growl in frustration.

Tonight was "Team Bonding Night".

Seriously fuck Carol.

Fuck the UN appointed Team Counselor.

They both sucked for making these "Meetings" mandatory in order to keep the Team from becoming "another ticking time bomb".

Well. Congratulations.

The only ticking time bomb now was him.

Maximoff took advantage of every single Meeting to get as close to him as possible, probing him with personal questions, and constant flirtations.

Last week however had been the worst.

Vision had suggested that as a way for all of them to get to know each other a bit better they could each make their own favorite dishes and "bond" over a potluck as we "shared a part of our histories" with one another.

Of course he was just going to order pizza and hamburgers and call it a job well done, but Carol had to be a kill-joy and threatened him via Pepper if he didn't at least make an effort to try.

So homemade spaghetti and meatballs from scratch (just like his Mom taught him), and potato latkes (just like the ones Ana used to make) it was.

Of course the potato latkes bit him in butt when Maximoff blurted out "You're Jewish too?!"

Trying to explain to her, yes his paternal grandparents were Jewish. Yes his Father was raised Jewish. Yes he was raised Jewish by his Butler's wife who he saw as a second mother, but sorry he was firmly atheist went in one ear and out the other.

Maximoff just gushed over their apparent shared religious upbringing and made it a point of taking upon herself to schedule how they would spend Passover and Hanukkah.

Tonight was Movie Night, and he already had a good idea of how things were probably going to go down.

And to make matters worse none of the New Avengers would be attending since, unlike a majority of the old Avengers, they actually had jobs and/or other obligations.

He just needed to somehow make sure that he was sandwiched between his Honeybear and the arm of the couch and _maybe_ everything would be okay.

"You should come tonight" Tony found himself offering.

"Pass" Loki deadpanned, "You're "bonding" rituals hold no interest to me"

"Believe me I've contemplated self-injury many times to try and get out of it, but I'd rather not have Maximoff attempting to play nursemaid" Tony declared, actually full-body shuddering at the thought of Maximoff in a nurse's outfit.

'Whelp. That role-playing is ruined forever' Tony internally cringed, feeling the bile in the back of his throat.

Loki was eerily silent for a moment, staring him down with a serious expression Tony couldn't identify.

"You're inviting the God of Mischief to a get-together between comrades?" Loki inquired, sounding both skeptical and cautious.

"I think we could all use a change of pace. Besides, our "bonding sessions" usually end with some kind of conflict anyway. With you there things may actually be entertaining" Tony stated wistfully, grabbing his freshly brewed coffee and taking a sip, humming in pleasure as the bitter heat slid down his throat.

'Ahhh sweet sweet liquid life. How I've missed you so' Tony thought blissfully.

"Think about it" Tony said, seeing that Loki was uncharacteristically non-verbal as he continued to look at him with a pretty intense gaze.

Turning to leave the room he realized that he was actually...relaxed.

For the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a combination reference to the 2014 movie The Other Woman, the novel by Sandie Jones, and Loki's foreshadowing as the "other woman"


	4. Chapter 3: Time Bomb

**(Third POV)**

For the first time since he'd been forced to attend Team Nights Tony was actually early.

And by early he means in the lounge a half hour before everyone was supposed to even meet up, claiming the spot by the couch armrest in the name of House Stark.

He'd even thought ahead and had Friday send a text to Rhodey asking him to meet him at the lounge earlier as well.

Of course when the Avengers started arriving fifteen to seven with no sign of his Honeybear, Tony admittedly started to panic ( _slightly_ ).

Of course Maximoff was nowhere in sight either which was the only thing that kept him from bolting out of his seat and out of the lounge like a bat outa hell.

It also didn't escape his notice that the others were everywhere _but_ next to him.

Even Natasha and Vision.

He hoped they all rot in hell.

Fighting the urge to tap his leg and stare at the entryway, Tony took out his phone and typed a quick, _Where are you?_ , to Rhodey.

"This seat taken?"

Tony nearly jumped out of his damn skin at the sound of Maximoff's voice.

God he'd rather hear nails on a blackboard.

Without even waiting for a reply Maximoff plopped herself down next to him.

Tony's spine went ramrod straight as Maximoff immediately curled herself into his side, her arms wrapping around his left arm like chains as she laid her head on his shoulder, smiling as if she'd just won the lottery.

"The two of you look good together" Steve complimented, giving Maximoff an approving nod for her persistence as he placed refreshments on the table, ignoring the genius' vicious glares.

Tony was starting to build a theory that Rogers was actually one of those obsessed delusional stalkers like in the movie Fatal Attraction.

And Maximoff was his little protege.

"Loosen up kid. I thought you used to be a Playboy?" Clint teased, shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth as he plopped himself firmly on the other side of the couch.

"Don't you have _actual_ children to worry about?" Tony snipped back.

If Barton felt the fire in his loins tingling he should talk to Laura. Or buy a fucking orphanage. Either option was healthier than this.

"Give him killer robots and aliens, no problem. Women? I think he lost his smooth moves with his wrinkles" Natasha jested, smirking behind her beer as she sat herself next to Barton.

Tony just gave her a silent "it's on" eyebrow as he not so subtly tried (and failed) to extricate himself from the Maxi-pus.

"Not afraid of a little love and affection are you?" Sam teasingly joined in, though Tony could see that there was a carefully observant gleam in his eyes, silently probing for issues that were 'holding him back' from accepting Wanda's "love".

'In a past life I must've been a serial killer of children who burned flowers in his spare time and ate baby bunnies for dinner' Tony thought despondently, 'There is no other explanation as to why I have to endure this kind of undue torture and suffering'

"Ah-hem"

Tony whipped his head around at the familiar pissed off tone.

"My knight in shining armor!" Tony very nearly cheered, his chest heaving in relief at the sight of his best friend boring holes into Maximoff's skull, "I'd say better late than never, but the early bird who catches the worm would've been preferable"

Rhodey ignored him in favor staring Wanda down.

"You're in my seat" Rhodey proclaimed, his voice dangerously low.

"I don't see your name on it" Wanda snarled territorially, her vice-like grip on Tony's arm constricting even tighter at the threat to her claim.

Rhodey just leveled her with a wholly unimpressed look.

"I've had my name stamped on Tony Stark's ass since MIT. You're on _my_ property Bitch" Rhodey proclaimed with finality.

"Be still my beating heart" Tony sarcastically commented, though Rhodey could see the genuine relief in his eyes.

That bitch was going to move even if he had to call the War machine armor and split the fucking couch in two.

"Whoa hey! The name calling is a little extreme there don'tcha think?" Sam immediately cut in, attempting to placate the situation.

"Well maybe if she would respect Tony's boundaries and feelings than I'd be more inclined to actually _be_ nice" Rhodey snipped back, "But she isn't. So I'm not"

"Perhaps a new method of bonding may need to be suggested then, seeing as these meetings tend to result in more hostility than comradery" Vision observed, speaking out for the first time as he floated over from the kitchenette, "Small group or paired activities? Therapy may even prove to be beneficial"

"Pass" Clint denied right away, his nose scrunching up as if he'd smelled something rotten.

Tony wasn't surprised. If Barton hadn't gone to a therapist after his stint as a flying monkey, there was no way he was going to for the sake of "team bonding".

"No" Steve vetoed immediately, crossing his arms, "We're going to be adults and settle this issue once and for all"

"The _issue_ as you so eloquently put it, is that none of you seem to understand what the word _no_ means" Rhodey growled, answering Rogers' challenge and folding his own arms over his chest.

"The _issue_ is that Tony won't even give him and Wanda a chance" Steve stubbornly countered back.

"Which is his right" Rhodey retorted sharply, "It's called free will. Sorry if that hurts Maximoff's little feelings but that's life. Not everyone is going to return your affections. Deal with it and move on"

Tony nodded affirmatively like an overexcited bobblehead, "There are plenty of other fish in the sea _that are not me_. I'm sure you'll find a nice salmon or snapper fish, shark or whatever it is you're fishing for".

"No!" Wanda half whined half screeched in his ear, causing Tony to wince at the sudden volume.

"Why won't you just give us a chance?" Wanda pleaded, her face now mere inches from Tony's, "Everyone else can see that we'd be amazing together. Why can't you?"

Tony jerked his head back in an attempt to imitate a giraffe, not even trying to disguise the clear disgust on his face.

Staring into Maximoff's eyes Tony immediately recognized the stubborn resolution boring down into his soul.

The last time he saw eyes like that he was left dying in a bunker in Siberia.

Maximoff was never going to let this go.

"My Company's bomb killed your parents!" Tony frantically blurted out as he tried to lean away from her as far as possible, flinching as the words left his mouth as he waited for Maximoff to lash out at him like he hoped.

But instead of glowing red eyes and a free trip through the air Maximoff's eyes turned into a cold tempered steel.

"Yes it did" Wanda agreed, her tone hard, but firmly resolute, "And I had blamed you. Wanted you to suffer. But I was wrong. You weren't the one to fire the bomb onto my home. You weren't the one double-dealing. It took me a long time to realize that. But I did, and I no longer blame you, nor should you blame yourself"

Tony knew he was gaping like a fish.

But Maximoff was being _rational_.

What expression was he supposed to give to that?!

Of course seeing Rogers' proud smile and puffed up chest at Maximoff's "maturity" snapped Tony right out of his daze.

"I created Ultron who killed Pietro" Tony unrepentantly threw down, a fiery resolve of his own blazing in his eyes, determined to remind Maximoff just why she had hated him in the first place.

"The only reason you created Ultron was because I let you take the Scepter and manipulated your fears to make you create a weapon that would ultimately destroy you" Wanda countered right back, "And Pietro died a hero because of something I incited. I'm more at fault than you are and I'm sorry I never actually apologized to you for that"

Tony felt a tick beginning to develop in his eye.

If only Maximoff just wanted bygones to be bygones.

"I locked you in the Compound" Tony pressed onwards, gritting his teeth as his plan began to unravel in front of him.

"You already apologized for that. And to be fair I was being a bit of a brat" Wanda retorted, giving him a small lopsided grin as if he was supposed to laugh.

Tony didn't.

"What about Vision?" Tony questioned, narrowing his eyes slightly at the determined leech clinging onto him, "I thought the two of you were developing a thing?"

"We thought so too" Wanda said softly, a sad acceptance in her eyes, "We were drawn together because my powers originated from the Stone giving him life. But even so we are still friends"

Was Maximoff secretly getting one-on-one therapy time with Doc Samson?

Cause fuck he was running out of good material.

"I'm shit at relationships" Tony pointedly exclaimed.

As if sensing his struggles Maximoff just smirked, "If I can help Vision understand human etiquette and behavior I can help you learn too".

Shit. Fuck. Balls.

"I-I-I'm to old for you!" Tony fearfully stuttered out.

"Seriously Tony?" Steve cut in, rolling his eyes and huffing out a disappointed breath at Tony's antics, "If that's true than I shouldn't be dating Sharon. And that Bucky and I can't date anyone less than a hundred"

Dread began to bud it's way up Tony's spine.

"Seriously man that's a flimsy ass excuse right there. You and Wanda literally just worked through all your bad-blood. You need to stop fishing for excuses because you have none" Sam sternly advised.

A shiver of fear made its way through Tony's body as he realized that Wilson was right. He _didn't_ have any more good excuses to push Maximoff away (At least none that they would listen too).

"You and Wanda have a lot more in common than you think" Clint stated, sounding fed up with all the denial and run-around, "The sooner you realize that the sooner you kids can run off into the sunset together"

Bile began to make its way up Tony's throat.

"If I may. I know that you are averse to the idea of a romantic relationship with Wanda, however I feel that it is your past histories causing that. Perhaps spending time with Wanda in a more platonic manner first may be a beneficial course of action?" Vision suggested, trying to meet both parties in the middle.

Tony couldn't breathe.

Was he starting to have a panic attack?

"Look. It's still your choice Tony" Natasha began, seeing that Tony was starting to freak out, "But if Wanda's willing to be mature about this and move on than maybe it won't be like you're thinking. You do tend to blow things out of proportion sometimes. Not to mention things might not work out any way, so what's the harm in testing things out?"

No...

No.

 _No_.

 _No_!

He couldn't do this.

He _wouldn't_ do this!

"I'm gay!!" Tony screamed, desparate and half in the throes of a panic attack he finally ripped his arm out of Maximoff's grip, scooching himself onto the arm of the couch and away from the Witch, "I sacrificed my anal virginity to Loki, and it was such a profound, transcendent experience no woman could ever truly satisfy me after that!!"

".........................................."

Dead.

Silence.

If Tony wasn't hyperventilating he'd actually allow himself to feel accomplished at having successfully shut all of them up for once.

Maximoff herself looked as if a few gears had exploded in trying to comprehend what he'd just said.

Of course it was at that moment that Loki chose to finally grace them all with his presence, strutting into the room with a confident detachment as he gazed upon the formerly rogue Avengers as if they were bligesnipe dung on the bottom of his royal shoe.

"Hm. And here I was hoping for some entertainment. But alas, I find only the boring type of chaos. No blood or knives, just harassment and single brain cells" Loki snipped, his tone casual, as if he were describing the weather and not insulting the room's occupants.

His words also broke the static filtering through everyone's brains.

'Shit' Tony thought, going pale as a sheet at the appearance of the person he'd just falsely claimed to have had transcendent sex with, 'The universe really must hate me'

"You expect me to actually believe that you'd sleep with _him_ over _me_ " Wanda scoffed, rolling her eyes at Tony's ridiculous claim, "If you're going to lie about being in a relationship at least make it believable. He's not even your type"

"Excuse you" Tony defensively sneered, deeply offended on a personal level by her remark, "And what exactly would you know about _my type_?"

"Hot and curvy with boobs, but a woman who is also strong-willed, smart, independent, and successful" Wanda fired right back with a smug confidence.

Tony narrowed his eyes dangerously at Maximoff before slowly giving Natasha a vicious stink eye.

No doubt that little profile had come from her, seeing as it was the same one SHIELD used to get _her_ close to him when she was spying on his Company.

He really shouldn't be surprised that she was still playing both sides.

"My type of woman perhaps" Tony relented, turning his icy gaze back to Maximoff, "But not my type of _man_ "

Maximoff just blinked owlishly, her smugly confident smile lost in her confusion.

Did he seriously have to spell it out for her?

"Tony isn't gay" Natasha cut it, raising an eyebrow in interest of where all this would be going now with Loki's arrival, "But he is bisexual"

"WHAT?!"

"It's not like my past sexual exploits aren't all over the internet for you to see. I don't know why you're all so surprised" Tony deadpanned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"We don't know what's actually true or not. Most of it's trash and slander" Steve retorted defensively.

Tony just rolled his eyes.

Up until a little over a month ago _he_ believed all that so called "trash" and "slander".

"I think you're all missing the most important thing here" Clint cut in, a hard note to his tone.

"I can't wait to hear this" Rhodey muttered sarcastically.

"So Loki, how would you describe your and Stark's relationship?" Clint asked, turning a sharp gaze to the sorcerer, mentally stabbing him with a thousand arrows.

Tony immediately tensed, his lungs seizing.

He was screwed.

"It varies from moment to moment" Loki replied, dismissively, though out of the corner of his eye he gave Tony an appraising look before a downright mischievously salacious smirk adorned his lips, "Though from what I hear, you've all been harassing my lover"

"LOVER??!!"

"WHAT?!"

“ _You_ and _Loki_?!”

"A most joyous occasion!!"

"......"

"Thor" Tony addressed in comical disbelief, "Have you been sitting at the bar this entire time eating popcorn and watching us like some cheesy American Soap Opera?"

"Your pettiness is amusing to watch" Thor casually exclaimed, taking a sip of his beer.

'Bruce was right' Tony thought in disbelieving exasperation, 'He is fucking troll'

Tony wished his fellow genius was here to back him up, but he was currently testifying against the charges Former Secretary Ross had pinned on him in the past in court.

"But Brother, how could you not tell me that you were courting Stark?" Thor inquired, sounding very much like a wounded puppy.

"It was a spur of the moment whim" Loki deadpanned, "Neither romantic nor any of your business"

"LIES!" Wanda vehemently denied, her furious screeches echoing through the room as she jabbed a finger in Loki's direction, "There is no way you would choose to be with someone like _him_ over _me_!"

"Dear me" Loki drolled, "My poor already beaten down self-esteem and self-consciousness"

"How dare you insult my brother in such a manner!" Thor furiously proclaimed, marching his way furiously over to the group to defend his brother's honor, beer and popcorn forgotten, "My brother's heritage does not make him any lesser than those of us here! Any being would be lucky to have him!"

"He's a mind controlling murderer who changes sides based on his own self interest!" Wanda boldly fired right back, moving off of the couch to face down the affronted King.

"Are we certain we are not discussing yourself?" Loki retorted, raising an amused eyebrow at the escalating tensions.

Wanda wheeled on Loki, her eyes and hands now gleaming blood red.

"Getting a swelled head now are we?" Loki mocked, a more controlled swirling green glow outlining his own form, his eyes diamond hard.

"That's enough" Rhodey cut in, his voice commanding and final.

As much as he'd like to see Maximoff get her cocky ass handed to her on a silver platter, legally he needed to stop things before they escalated any further. Or else they'd have a second Civil War on their hands.

"Indeed. Should a physical confrontation occur the both of you would be remanded into custody and face immediate disciplinary consequences for your actions. An outcome which I believe we'd all like to avoid" Vision advised, very much concerned that another infight was imminent.

"Vision is right. Stand down. _Both_ of you" Rhodey ordered, looking pointedly at both Loki and Wanda.

Reluctantly red and green faded away, though the challenging glares did not.

Seeing that the current crisis had been averted Rhodey turned to give Tony his best I-don't-believe-your-bullshit look.

“But seriously though Tones. _Loki_? He threw you out a window” Rhodey half demanded half inquired, all skeptical.

“And the Witch messed with his mind and crushed him underneath countless vehicles. Your point?” Loki countered for him, sounding incredibly unimpressed, "And if that's truly the scale you are going by than I'd like to point out that I've harmed him far less than the Witch has"

"You're actually fucking Loki?!" Clint demanded, skin sickeningly pale, completely appalled by the mere thought of such a thing being true.

"Who says he's the one fucking me?" Loki teased, giving Barton a shark-like pleased grin.

For the life of him Tony couldn't understand why, but he actually felt blood heating up in his face at Loki's insinuation.

"Okay TMI" Sam stated with a grimace, putting his hands up in a clear I'm-out gesture.

Wanda screeched in indignant fury, a blast of red exploding from her hands.

Loki immediately encased himself and Stark each in a protective shield, the spheres of green reflecting the chaotic red.

Unfortunately for the rest of the room's occupants (minus Thor who was used to Loki's own attacks) they were knocked harshly off of their feet and onto the floor, the food and drinks splaying everywhere, and the lamps shattering to pieces.

"Wanda easy" Steve tried to soothe, placing gentle hands on Wanda's shoulders after he had picked himself up off the floor, "I know you're upset but you need to control your powers"

Loki just scoffed.

"If you are quite finished with your little temper tantrum my lover and I will be going. We have much to discuss now that our relationship has been made public" Loki proclaimed, giving Tony a pointed do-not-argue look.

"Love the way you think darling" Tony exclaimed, immediately sliding off of the arm of the couch and fast walking his way over to his 'lover'.

"Shall we?" Loki inquired, giving Stark his elbow.

Tony quirked an eyebrow at him.

"We shall my prince" Tony exclaimed, playing along and looping his arm around Loki's.

"You do realize that makes you my princess?" Loki inquired, a quirk of amusement in his lips as they strut their way out of the lounge.

"I was thinking more along the lines of prince consort" Tony retorted semi-seriously as he waved his hand fancifully through the air across an imaginary title.

Once the two of them made it to the safe confines of the labs, Tony unwound his arm from Loki's and let out a huge breath of relief he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Cheese and crackers that escalated fast" Tony muttered, running his hands nervously, awkwardly, through his hair and across his face, "Thanks for going along with the lie. I guess I owe you again"

Loki just stood there silently for a moment, his eyes shrewd and contemplative before Tony watched as a frankly mischievous and downright salacious (and admittedly sexy) smirk made its way onto Loki's face, causing a small anticipatory shiver to make its way up Tony's spine.

"Why lie?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to the previous chapter/Bruce, and the song Time Bomb by All Time Low which is a theme for Loki/Tony.
> 
> And lovehateyou pointed out to me that the title can also be a reference to Maximoff's instability with the song "timebomb" by Nico Collins.


	5. Chapter 4: Queen of Mean

**(Third POV)**

_"I'm sorry. Run that by me again. Cause I think, no, I know I must've misheard you" Tony exclaimed, entirely dumbfounded._

_"Come now Stark. A man with your reputation surely has engaged in a false but mutually beneficial relationship before" Loki mockingly teased._

_"And just what exactly are you benefiting from in all this?" Tony questioned, skeptical of the sorcerer's motives._

_"My answer still has not changed from the last two inquiries" Loki deadpanned, though a hint of irritation broke through at having to repeat himself yet again._

_"Fine. Details then. I like to know the finer points of the contract and person I'm collaborating with" Tony stated, crossing his arms over his chest and putting on his best no-nonsense businessman expression._

_"The Witch is an arrogant, ignorant fool!" Loki near roared out in frustration, startling Tony with his cracked composure._

_"What she lacks isn't training, but discipline" Loki sneered, "She trains, though the teachers are unsuitable and subpar, but it is not her control that is the problem. It is her mentality and emotions"_

_'That's news to me' Tony thought, his attention zeroed in on the analysis of Maximoff's abilities from the perspective of an expert._

_"Back in the lounge she did not lose control of her magic. Rather she was angry and intentionally lashed out with her powers, not caring for the consequences in her enraged state" Loki detailed, his tone harsh and blunt._

_"Magic is about discipline and strength of will in order for one's powers to have the utmost effectiveness. She lets her emotions run like a stampede of wild horses, connected too closely to her powers, causing her magic to flow chaotically around her with little regard to their effects around her" Loki disdainfully explained._

_He hadn't let his emotions run his powers rampant since he began learning the craft in his youth._

_The exception being his Mother's death._

_He may be the God of Mischief and Chaos, but Maximoff's mentality was dangerous with incredible room for error._

_His Mother had taught him such in the beginning. Teaching him hard lessons on how chaotic uncontrolled magic was ultimately likely to backfire on the user in the end, breaking him of the mentality fairly quickly as any mystic arts user should be._

_His Mother would be appalled by the Witch._

_"And if the Rogues enabling her outbursts and mistakes weren't bad enough, she completely lacks any strategy and forethought in her attacks! She causes more damage than the criminals themselves more often than not because she possesses zero situational awareness and doesn't use other facets of her abilities! She is a disgrace as a hero and I am ashamed to even have my abilities placed in the same category as her's!" Loki furiously proclaimed._

_"And yet you still call her Witch" Tony noted, semi-impressed, a feeling of warm relief spreading through his chest at hearing yet another verbalize his own opinions of Maximoff's place in the field._

_"It is a derogatory term for those that practice the mystic arts" Loki corrected, a firm scowl maring his handsome features._

_'He really should smile more' Tony noted offhandedly._

_"Well...After a passionate and insightful speech like that how can I say no?" Tony stated, his tone flippant yet his eyes contained a serious edge._

_"So you agree?" Loki inquired curiously, taking a breath to calm himself, his scowl softening to a more neutral yet inquisitive expression._

_"Hold on there Reindeer Games. First we need to set some rules, and boundaries" Tony exclaimed, halting the train before it started to truly get moving._

_"Safe words as well" Loki casually noted._

_"......I was talking about the fake yet mutually beneficial relationship" Tony stated, just managing to keep the confused sputtering at bay though he couldn't help the heat curling in his belly._

_"I suppose the safe words could apply for that as well" Loki teasingly smirked._

If someone had told Tony a few months ago that he'd be willingly cuddling with Loki Laufeyson on the couch, feeding each other popcorn as they watched the Lord of the Rings while the other Avengers watched them like the voyeurs they are, he'd say to get their head checked.

And yet here he was.

Cuddling. With Loki. Watching a movie. Eating popcorn. From each other's fingers. In front of the Team.

Just what was his life even anymore?

And Loki was going along with it!

Hell he had even conjured him coffee.

Coffee!

Out of thin air.

That was marriage worthy shit right there.

Of course even after fourth months of the charade the Rogues were still trying to find proof that Tony wasn't actually in a relationship with Loki.

Tony wished them luck.

Even he forgot that he wasn't _actually_ in a relationship with Loki half the time.

He had to give the trickster credit, he really knew how to throw himself into a role.

Unless he had consulting work from the UN, or more rarely Strange, Loki was dutifully waiting outside his door every morning to escort him to breakfast without fail.

That first morning they strut their way into the lounge together after their "public reveal" Clint merely snorted and asked why they were even bothering continuing with the lie.

Needless to say Maximoff found herself needing to pay for replacement kitchen-ware after witnessing Loki shamelessly pull Tony into his lap and french kissed his newly repaired lungs out of his mouth just to make a point.

Tony won't lie. That kiss had been fucking hot and made him seriously consider revoking the no sex rule of their contract.

Every morning they would share a chaste kiss when Loki would present Tony with his morning coffee.

And Loki would then either accompany Tony in his lab or meet him after his SI duties were completed (or when he deemed himself ready for a lunch break).

While he was in the process of building his new and improved arc reactor Loki would mask his presence and even placed an enchantment on him to notify him of whenever the Rogues were in Tony's presence after a particularly memorable occasion at the start of their farce when the Rogues had cornered him and had Maximoff attempt to tear through his mind to "free him from Loki's grasp".

Rhodey had a lot of fun that next team training.

After that the Rogues had to tread very lightly, having only just barely scraped by avoiding time on the Raft for that stunt.

From then on their 'dates' would vary depending on whether they needed to strategize their next steps or if Loki was in the mood to taunt Maximoff with his "sexual superiority".

Many a times Tony found himself suddenly pinned without warning beneath Loki on the most readily available surface just so that Maximoff would walk in on him being quite thoroughly accosted.

His favorite tease had come when Friday had informed him and Loki that Maximoff had "set the mood" in his room and was waiting naked for him under his bed sheets.

Before he could hurl in his mouth Tony found himself being magically stripped of his clothing while Loki devoured his mouth.

Without thinking Tony, half hard in only his underwear, allowed himself to be led backwards into his room.

The resulting screech nearly blew out his eardrums.

Loki furiously growled out that "their" bed had been sullied and proceeded to snap the sheets on fire, forcing a humiliated Maximoff to frantically tumble out onto the floor, doing her best to cover up her exposed bits.

Tony, while stifling a laugh at Loki's theatrics, had taken pity on her, having gone through that shame in the past and had given her a long coat of his, telling her to keep it, burn it, or whatever, just skedaddle cause he didn't do threesomes anymore now that he was a committed man.

Two good things came out of that incident.

First. He discovered he had a major "magic" kink.

And he _thoroughly_ wanted to investigate the benefits of said "magic" in the bedroom (For science of course).

And second. It seemed to _finally_ drill into Maximoff's skull that her advances were not welcome.

Sure she still glared at Loki with red glowing eyes (like she was right now), but she had stopped making herself "available" to him.

It was a beautiful feeling.

And even though logically Tony knew they didn't need to lay it on as thick anymore, he still couldn't help the slight twinge of disappointment on the days he did not wake up to see the Asgardian prince outside his door. 

And whenever he was alone in his lab he found himself inviting Loki into his sanctuary of brilliance for their usual banters and debates.

And if he stole more kisses than were strictly necessary, well that was just to ensure that all their hard work did not go to waste.

He wasn't cuddling up to his not-boyfriend on the couch like a pinning teenager.

He wasn't.

"Anthony"

Tony snapped out of his swirling thoughts to face his 'beloved'.

Loki's eyes were oddly intense. Slightly nervous even.

Tony's eyebrows scrunched in confusion the movie and unwelcome voyeurs drowning out as white-noise.

"What's up Buttercup?" Tony inquired, slightly concerned.

Was Loki going to back out of the plan?

Was he sick of him?

Tony's stomach dropped at the thought.

….But….He couldn't really blame the sorcerer.

Pepper had been his only actual relationship, and he couldn't even make it work for her.

Tony mentally smacked himself.

It wasn't as if he and Loki were _actually_ in a relationship.

He had no business feeling like a rejected lover...Though his traitorous heart apparently didn't get the memo.

"It was in a room similar to this that you first offered me a chance at redemption for my actions" Loki began, his voice deep and steady as he gazed into Tony's eyes with a firm resolution.

"Back then I wasn't in the right frame of mind to take what you were offering to me" Loki continued, clenching the back of the couch, ignoring the trivial whispers of the urchins behind them, "And even after I manipulated you all in order to gain access to your Tower to bring the Chitauri to Earth, causing your very nightmares, you still opened your facilities to me, standing beside my brother in advocating for me to be given a second chance despite what I have done"

Tony for once in his life could say he was honestly too stunned for words.

This...this wasn't a part of the script….

"You offered me the chance to be more than a stigma and preconceived notion. To experience the possibilities of a better life without asking me to change who I am" Loki continued doggedly, a stubborn determination now blazing in his eyes.

And Tony was lost in their flames.

"And for that, I now wish to give you an offer of my own" Loki proclaimed, sliding his arm off of Tony's shoulder and moving from the couch and ever so gracefully onto one knee.

Tony's eyes widened in disbelief.

Loki wasn't going to possibly-

Not looking away from Tony's eyes even once, Loki reached into his pocket and pulled out a small gold orb approximately double the size of a pea.

Tony's eyebrows scrunched in confusion, oddly touched yet thoroughly baffled as to what Loki was offering him.

Maybe it was some strange Asgardian custom in place of exchanging rings?

Tony hoped he wasn't supposed to eat it.

But before he could even ask what the object was, Tony watched in amazement as it morphed right in front of his eyes. The small orb expanding upwards in an arch, the sides connecting together at the top to form a beautiful gold ring adorned with gorgeous red gems embedded in the metal.

'Nano-tech' Tony realized breathless.

It was an Asgardian nano-tech ring.

"Anthony Edward Stark. Will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?" Loki inquired, his eyes holding no hint of jest as he held the ring up to Tony between his pale fingers.

"Yes"

* * *

_"Yes"_

She was tired of pretending.

Where was her happy ending?

_"Yes"_

She'd done what everyone said.

She'd followed all the rules. Apologized. Freed them of all the obstacles in their way.

_"Yes"_

She tried to show Tony that just because she had not lived as many years as him that she was still a woman that was strong and patient enough to stand by his side.

Because they belonged together.

She saw that now.

They were intertwined by fate.

Their tragedies connecting them. Bringing them together.

They both regret the decisions of their past, becoming heroes as a way of redemption to make up for their past sins.

Reaching for that absolution, that forgiveness, and yet always seeming to fall short of achieving it.

They were the same she and him.

And that was the real tragedy.

Two people, perfect for one another, separated by the very pain that could bring them together.

But when they finally had their chance _he_ came along and ruined it.

Even with such a setback she patiently waited for Tony to realize his mistake.

But then when the time came he'd said _"Yes"_ , but not to _her_.

She never knew that a single word could be so painful.

After everything she'd been through, losing her parents, struggling on the streets of a war-torn country, surviving Hydra's experiments, getting her revenge only to realize that it wasn't anything that she had wanted, losing Pietro, becoming a fugitive.

To see the person who was supposed to be her soulmate choose another was the final straw.

She never thought of herself as the villain before.

She'd always thought she'd be a hero.

The one standing up against those too powerful for regular people to face.

The one achieving her own happy ending.

But if she can't have that as a hero, then maybe it was time to start listening to the devil on her shoulder once again.

Red sparks sizzled as the security system of the vault was fried.

Wanda made her way over to the Scepter that once housed the Mind Stone.

Though the Stone was no longer contained within the weapon she could still feel the singularity between the two, its energy calling to her, promising vengeance.

And she knew exactly who to blame.

With a flash of red the glass case surrounding the Scepter shattered to pieces.

She'd been hurt for the last time.

Now it was their turn to suffer.

And if they thought the nightmares had been bad before, than they haven't seen anything yet.

With a determined resolution Wanda pulled the Scepter out of the stand, the blue orb in the spear's center morphing to a sharp blood red.

She wanted what was rightfully hers.

If Tony wanted a villain, then she would be one like he'd never seen before.

It was her show now.

And she was going to get the happy ending she was owed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to Queen of Mean by Sarah Jeffery from the movie Disney Descendants 3 which is perfect for Wanda's character.


	6. Chapter 5: The Princess Bride

**(Third POV)**

"They're late" Natasha noted, glancing at the digital clock.

"So? Tony's usually late" Clint commented offhandedly, not seeing the issue.

"Not Wanda though" Steve pointed out, arms crossed over his chest.

"Maybe they're talking?" Sam casually threw out there.

"If she is than I know who she's sparring against today" Rhodey commented, arms folded over his chest as well in his frustration.

For Maximoff's sake she better not be trying to force herself on Tony again.

Why Tony refused to file for sexual harassment and just be done with the whole thing he didn't know.

Suddenly the Training Room doors slammed open, Wanda strutting confidently into the room, Scepter in hand.

"Um. What's with the shiny new toy?" Scott commented confused, having never seen the eery looking spear Wanda was carrying before.

Natasha and Steve immediately tensed at the sight of the familiar weapon, their muscles coiling at the potential threat.

"Is this a joke?" Rhodey demanded, silently activating the beacon on his braces that remotely called the suit to him, "Why do you have the Scepter?"

"Because I wanted it" Wanda stated simply, cocking her head slightly to the side as if she was taking to a daft child, a small smile as sharp as one of Natasha's knives adorning her lips.

"For what exactly?" Carol demanded, stepping forward slightly in Maximoff's direction, fists clenched.

"For justice of course" Wanda replied, her voice calm yet her expression one of holding back maniacal laughter.

"Justice? For who?" Steve questioned, unsure of Wanda's claim.

Armor wrapped around Rhodey and Hope as they prepared themselves to take down Maximoff as quickly as possible.

"For me" Wanda proclaimed, focusing her magic into the Scepter, her powers combining with the Scepter's mind altering capabilities, tightening her control.

Thor and Carol launched themselves at Wanda only to immediately hit the ground as the blast from the Scepter struck them, their eyes glowing an unseeing red as they were trapped within an endless loop of their own nightmares.

As Rhodey readied his stun canon and Hope prepared to launch her stingers the mist struck them as well, seeping into their suits like a poison and invading their minds undeterred.

"Shit!" Peter exclaimed, trying to leap and somersault away from the mist.

Taking a chance he fired his web-shooter at Maximoff's hand, the taser web hitting its mark and electrocuting her.

With a screech Wanda dropped the Scepter.

But the spell didn't stop.

Peter was engulfed in the mist, causing him to drop like a stone, boneless against the ground.

With a frustrated growl Wanda moved to pick up the Scepter, grabbing it right before Natasha.

"Ah ah ah" Wanda mocked, waving her finger back and forth scoldingly before blasting Natasha with the Scepter up close, cackling as she hit the floor with the rest of the maggots.

"Wanda what are you doing?" Steve demanded, moving to check Natasha's vitals, "This isn't like you"

"That's Loki's Scepter right? The one that can manipulate those around it?" Sam inquired, slowly moving forward while keeping one hand on his gun, "Wanda, you need to get rid of that. It's dangerous"

"That's kind of the point" Wanda scoffed.

"Wanda you're hurting your friends" Steve stated firmly, trying to reason with her, truly hoping that they wouldn't have to attack her.

"Friends? They hated me. Called me a villain" Wanda sneered, "Guess one shouldn't be throwing stones at those who live in glass houses"

"And Natasha?" Scott questioned warily, trying to determine the smartest course of action in the face of Wanda's sudden bout of insanity.

"She turned on _me_ " Wanda furiously proclaimed, growing more and more enraged at her friends' questioning, the Scepter glowing red once more, responding to her anger, "Just like the rest of you are right now!"

"Wanda we just want to help you" Steve corrected, the muscles in his legs tightening as he prepared to launch himself forward to rip the Scepter out of Wanda's hands.

"Don't bother trying to reason with her Cap. It's time for a little cognitive recalibration therapy" Clint proclaimed, notching a taser arrow into his bow.

They needed to knock Wanda out and fast if they wanted to break whatever thrall the Scepter had on her.

"I don't think so" Wanda exclaimed, her voice callous and her eyes like slate as she blasted the remaining Avengers, trapping them within a storm of never ending nightmares.

No one was going to stop her from getting her happy ending this time around.

And now that most of the obstacles were out of the way, it was time to find her love.

* * *

_"Boss the Training Room is under attack!" Friday exclaimed in a panic._

"I'm sure they're fine" Tony dismissed unconcerned as he began unbuttoning his suit cuffs.

The meeting with the UN had taken far longer than he'd liked.

Nosey old bastards.

He failed to see how his engagement was any of their damn business.

And frankly he pitied whomever was stupid enough to attack the Training Room today of all days.

"Though I am a little hurt they started the party without me" Tony commented, taking off his suit jacket.

For a moment Tony debated controlling one of his suits and having it bring him the new arc reactor housing unit so that he could test out his control over the nano-bots with Extremis in an actual combat scenario.

"Who're the ballsy bastards invading the Compound? Hydra? The Watchdogs?" Tony inquired, deciding to do just that and have a suit bring him his new arc reactor.

_"It's not an invasion! It's-"_

Tony froze, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end at hearing Friday's voice cut out and fizzle out.

His heart racing, Tony spun on his heels to sprint the rest of the way to the Training Room, only to come face-to-face with Maximoff.

"Oh my god" Tony muttered, reeling back as he gripped his heart at the unexpected fright.

Wanda gently pressed her palm to his cheek, gently massaging the skin, "What's wrong Tony?"

An uneasy tingle went up Tony's spine at the maniacal and unhinged expression on Maximoff's face, the Scepter held firm in her grip telling him all he needed to know.

"What did you do?" Tony demanded, his body frozen in place, his words coming out breathy as his lungs started to seize in what he recognized as the beginnings of a panic attack.

"What I should have done months ago" Wanda stated, so calmly, so matter of factly without any hint of remorse that it sent a fearful shiver up Tony's spine, "Now we can finally be together"

Tony slowly reached up and took Maximoff's hand in his, halting her front continuing her ministrations.

"Did someone tell you that using the Scepter would change things?" Tony careful inquired, mentally altering his suit's course in order to try and sneak it behind the Witch, "Because they're wrong"

Wanda's eerily joyful expression fell as she registered his words, slowly removing her hand from his.

"Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I can think for myself?" Wanda muttered, frustrated they everyone just assumed that someone else told her what she needed to do in order to win back her love's affections.

"So you chose to take the Glowstick of Destiny. Why?" Tony probbed, hoping that he'd be able to successfully stall her just a tad bit longer while he got his suit into position around the corner without the propulsors tipping her off.

The maniacal grin returned to Wanda's face, "So you do see it after all. That we are destined to be together"

".....What?" Tony demanded dumbly, the wires in his brain misfiring at such a ludicrous claim.

“You know most people are rejected because they aren't good enough" Wanda commented in mock seriousness, "I wasn't bad enough”

The realization ran Tony over like a freight train.

"What do you think of me now Tony? Am I finally your type?" Wanda cackled, giving Tony a theatrical little spin.

"I think you finally left on the crazy train. You need help Maximoff. Just give me the Scepter and I can work out a deal on your behalf to the UN" Tony stated, reaching out to grab the Scepter.

Wanda yanked it away from his fingers, her eyes steely cold.

Tony froze, not wanting to risk setting her off by making what she would interpret as an aggressive motion, silently moving his suit in position around the corner of the hall, stun bullets locked on target.

"I'm not the one who needs help" Wanda countered viciously, "If you're too stubborn to see past our negative history then I'll just remove those memories so we can start fresh"

Just as Tony gave his suit the command to fire, Wanda stuck him in the face with a blast from the Scepter, knocking him to the ground and causing the suit's aim to falter and miss its target.

Tony gasped, frantically clawing at the swirls of red encasing his skull. His memories dancing behind his eyelids.

_No. No. No._

This couldn't be how it ended. Him becoming Maximoff's puppet.

Not after realizing that he may have fallen in love again.

Not after getting yet another chance at life.

Wanda gazed in wondrous exuberance at Tony's ineffective struggles.

Soon he would no longer fight her.

He would fall in love with her just as he was meant to.

Suddenly a flash of green burst across Tony's skin, ripping Wanda's magic away from Tony and causing it to dissipate in the air.

Sucking in a relieved breath Tony watched in amazement as the green flowed back into his engagement ring.

"No!" Wanda screeched, smacking the Scepter against the tiled floors in her fury.

Suddenly a green blast came out of nowhere from the side.

Just in the knick of time Wanda managed to shield herself from the attack, whipping her head around to face the intruder.

" _You_ " Wanda raged, her eyes burning with fury hotter than lava as she met Loki's enraged form.

Tony couldn't help but let out a loud sigh of relief at the sight of the familiar green and gold, his fingers fiddling with the ring Loki had no doubt enchanted to specifically protect him in case of a mental attack.

Tony's heart swooped at the thoughtfulness of the secret function of the ring.

He had opened up to Loki a while back about his fears of being controlled, of him creating something diabolical again because his thoughts weren't entirely his own, of the nightmares of invasions and not being good enough to protect those he cared about.

And Loki in turn had told him more about his time tortured and gaslighted under Thanos in addition to how the Scepter had used that and his own bitterness and hatred to ensure that he followed through with Thanos' plan.

Loki knew that he was working on a new arc reactor to shield himself from mental control, but for him to develop a backup plan like this?

A small part of Tony wondered if the whole popping the question thing had just been a farce as well in order to have a legit excuse for him to wear the ring.

But a much larger, and more illogical, part of him hoped that the ring was a token of Loki's care.

…..God he was getting sappy in his old age.

"I see that your scoldings and time-outs were a waste of time" Loki observed sardonically, his voice deep and rough with a level of fury Tony hadn't seen in him since Maximoff first tried to 'cure' him, "I hear corporal punishment can be effective if used properly"

"Save the spankings for me" Tony couldn't help himself but cut in as he sat up from the floor tiles.

Wanda screeched in fury, blasting Loki with the Scepter only for him to effortlessly shield himself, thoroughly unimpressed.

"Oh dear. Does our talk of intimacy bother you?" Loki inquired, his tone soft and casual, but spoken like razor sharp barbs, mocking the woman in front of him, "Do you not wish to hear how his nails bite into my back, raking along my skin as I thrust into his body over and over until he reaches the height of his pleasure?"

Tony's face burned at the imagery, his breath catching at the trickster's eloquently spoken pornographic visuals of their non-existent sex life, his pants beginning to strain, clearly that part of him was happy with those visuals as well.

With a bloodcurdling scream red surrounded Wanda form, and an ear-piercing screech echoed across the room as she tore the steel beams and plaster of the walls apart and flung them, jagged edges first, in Loki's direction.

With a scoff Loki merely teleported away from the first few pieces of debris, countering the rest by redirecting them with his own telekinesis.

Tony knew he should probably help...But he really didn't feel like fighting with a raging hard-on.

Loki was just screwing with Maximoff.

...And hopefully if he played his cards right he would be screwing him next.

"Or how about each of his moans and hitches of breath as I nip and suck on his nipples while my nails graze upon his shaft and my fingers rub against his prostate ever so slowly until he's begging for me to give him more. To go faster. To just finally _take_ him" Loki continued unrepentantly.

'Damn his mouth' Tony thought appreciatively, he hasn't been so turned on by vocal sex in years.

In fact there were a lot of things he was hoping to do with that skillful mouth of his once this was all over and done with.

"Shut up!" Wanda roared, letting loose a wave of energy across a room ripping apart everything it came into contact with.

'Oh shit!' Tony thought, barely managing to flatten himself against the ground just in time, only to watch in horror as Loki was ripped apart.

But Wanda only had a second's taste of victory before the illusion faded, revealing "Loki" to be nothing more than a torn girder.

'Shit, that asshole is going to get it for scaring me like that' Tony promised, breathing out a sigh a relief.

“Everything was perfect until you stole it!” Wanda screamed, her blood red eyes, scanning, searching for the coward, "He was finally going to tell me yes until you came into the picture and ruined our chance to be together!"

When she found that she couldn't sense him Wanda let out another screech of frustration, "Come out and fight me! Come out so I can kill you!"

"Wanda!" Tony shouted, immediately getting her attention.

Tony slowly made his way closer to her, broadcasting each and every one of his movements for her to see.

Wanda just narrowed her eyes skeptically of him, but didn't stop his advances either.

"It wasn't real okay?" Tony said slowly, stepping closer and closer, "I was just desperate for a reason you'd accept so that you'd stop trying to ask me on a date...Loki and I aren't actually together"

".....You're lying" Wanda finally stated, hating the hope that was blooming in her chest.

Could it really be true?

"I'm not" Tony said truthfully, finally mere inches from Maximoff's body, "Loki doesn't like you so he was all for pretending to be together. All we did was kiss and grope. And _only_ when you or the other Avengers were around"

Slowly Tony wrapped his hands gently around Wanda's arms, caressing them with his fingers.

The red in Wanda's eyes faded away, displaying a hope-filled green.

"Really?" Wanda asked, her voice soft and pleading.

"I never would've done it had I known that it would cause you so much pain. I truly thought that you would eventually move on" Tony stated softly, softly moving his fingers up her arm to cradle her face.

Wanda immediately leaned into the gentle loving gesture.

"I was wrong to put you through all that. Loki was never superior to you. You are strong, beautiful, and you've been able to do what I hadn't until now. Grow past the pain we had caused each other" Tony exclaimed, his other hand moving to the other side of her face, "Loki can't give me a family. Children. An equal to stand by my side. And if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all this, than I'd be honored if you would finally go on a date with me"

"Oh Tony of course! I knew you would eventually see the truth" Wanda exclaimed, bringing her one hand up to hold onto his, her face one of pure joy and happiness.

"And you know what else?" Tony asked her, leaning in so that his temple rested against hers, his mouth right by her ear as he spoke to her softly, as if to relay a secret for only her to hear.

"What?" Wanda inquired, feeling a childish giddiness bubble in her heart.

"You are incredibly naive"

Wanda's eyes widened in horror as she felt a collar snap tight around her neck, cutting off her connection to her magic.

Without warning she was shoved unceremoniously to the ground, the Scepter ripped from her hand.

Wanda looked up at Tony with nothing less than pure betrayal, her heart shattered beyond recognition.

"You truly are a fool" Tony mockingly proclaimed, though it wasn't Tony's voice that came out of his mouth, "While Anthony and I may not actually be together, you are nothing less than delusional if you believe he will ever love you"

Wanda's eyes widened as she watched "Tony" morph into Loki, and the environment around them ripple, the illusion breaking to reveal that the real Tony was still sitting on the floor tiles.

I'd all been fake.

It had never been Tony at all.

All those words and touches. Lies.

Wanda sobbed. Heartbroken and frustrated, desperately yanking at the confining collar.

Suddenly a circle of fiery sparks opened up in the room with Strange and Vision floating through the portal.

"How are they?" Tony asked worriedly, now finally able to focus on the Team.

"Vision and I freed them from Maximoff's control. Other than a good night's rest and some one-on-one time with a therapist they should be fine" Strange assured him.

"Just happy to have the back up" Tony exclaimed, grunting as he picked himself up off the floor.

"The situation was handled" Loki haughtily sniffed, though he subtly gave Tony a once over just to be sure that he was injury free.

"Of that I had no doubt. But grabbing a suppression collar from my lab and calling Houdini and Viz to clean up the garbage just seemed easier" Tony pointed out.

"Hm. It does save me having to dirty my hands" Loki agreed.

"Speaking of dirty hands...Do you just have an extremely vivid imagination or do you fantasize about us a lot?" Tony inquired bravely, his tone sly, though there was a slight uncertain tremor underneath the courageous facade.

"......"

"Because I don't mind. At all. That was more than okay. Downright scandalous. Sexy even" Tony babbled nervously at Loki's silence.

"...You are not repulsed by the idea?" Loki carefully inquired, a sliver of hope making its way into his guarded heart.

"Me? God no. You? You're not repulsed by the idea of you know, us?" Tony questioned, hope soaring at the very real possibility that Loki may actually return his affections.

"Evidently not" Loki replied, a wry smirk forming on his lips in relief and amusement.

"So this is it? We're a thing now? I mean we are technically engaged. Are we engaged? Cause God I'd like to be" Tony commented gleefully, a giddy smile making its way onto his face as he stepped into Loki's personal space.

"As you wish" Loki proclaimed, a playful knowing glint sparkling in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Tony's waist.

"I regret showing you the Princess Bride" Tony groaned, placing his head on Loki's shoulder, ashamed.

Loki just gripped _his_ fiance tighter.

"No!" Wanda screeched, tears pouring down her face.

She was currently being held back by Strange, her arms bound by a fiery rope.

The second Loki saw a twinge of guilt in _his_ Love's eyes he flicked one of his hands out in Maximoff's direction, his magic creating a strip of duct tape to form over her mouth.

 _Magically_ reinforced duct tape.

"Silence wench. We are having a moment" Loki sneered, his eyes icy cold.

"What's going to happen with her now?" Tony couldn't help but ask, partly for assurance and another small small part out of concern.

"Vision will use the Mind Stone to strip her of her powers. However since the Mind Stone only tainted and mutated her own natural aptitude for magic she will remain with me at Kamar-Taj to be both trained and imprisoned until she is deemed fit to return to society" Strange informed them.

"I wouldn't hold my breath" Tony muttered.

"Before you leave, I have one last thing that I wish to say to her" Loki stated, forcing himself to release his grasp on Tony.

Striding over to the Witch, Loki tilted his head so that his lips were by Maximoff's ear once again, ignoring the inconsequential burning loathing being stabbed at him with her eyes.

"I am a shapeshifter who has very _female_ days. Child-bearing is of no issue" Loki whispered smugly.

Strange passed Wanda off to Vision when she began to struggle again, escorting her through another portal Strange had conjured up, her muffled screams growing fainter and fainter as she was lead further away.

"Do I even want to know what you said?" Tony asked, a boundless curiosity lighting up his eyes.

"I'm sure the topic will come up in the near future" Loki commented slyly, leaning forward to capture Tony's soft pliant lips.

And what a bright future it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to the movie The Princess Bride, where Tony is Buttercup and Loki is Westley. (And small in-text references to Disney Descendants 3 where Tony is Ben, Loki is Mal, and Wanda is Audrey).


	7. Chapter 7: Epilogue

“Come on Mr. Stark we’re going to be late!” Peter exclaimed, bounding into the room like a whirlwind, Harley following closely behind him.

“Yeah Princess. Haven’t you primped enough yet?” Harley teased.

“No respect. I tell you one of these days I’m going to disinherit the both of you” Tony sniffed in mock seriousness as he shrugged on his black waistcoat.

“You know your threats would be scarier if you actually meant them” Harley scoffed, “You threaten to give Dum-E to a city college every other day and yet he’s still here”

“And sell my toys if I don’t go to sleep” Morgan joined in, a huge smile on her face as she skipped over to her Father in her fiery red and orange dress, jumping up into his waiting arms.

“Your Father has been a horrible liar for years, no matter my instruction” Loki teasingly proclaimed, sliding an arm around his husband’s waist, turning his head slightly to slot their mouths together in a short yet passionate kiss.

“My lies got me you didn’t they?” Tony muttered lowly, a salacious grin making its way onto his face.

“Indeed” Loki agreed, resting his forehead against his love’s.

“No kissing! Party!” Jamie proclaimed, pushing his cubby toddler hands against his parents’ legs.

“So demanding” Loki stated playfully, picking up their son, “It is truly a wonder where you get it from”

“Such a mystery” Peter deadpanned.

Tony just laughed.

It never ceased to amaze him that Peter and Harley were now both 22 and 21. It felt like yesterday he had randomly found himself in their homes recruiting their help.

Now Peter was engaged to MJ and Harley was moonlighting as the new Iron Man, both of them training under Pepper to one day be the Co-CEOs of Stark Industries.

Of course he never expected to be married to a god and have actual biological children either.

The day he found out Loki was pregnant with Morgan had been one of the best days of his life. Right up there with his wedding day, James’ birth, and surviving Thanos’ invasion.

Speaking of which.

“Now that we are fashionably late, I think it’s time for the Laufeyson-Starks to make their grand entrance” Tony proclaimed, adjusting Morgan so that he had her legs more securely against his arm.

“Finally!” Peter exclaimed, leaping over to Tony and Loki.

“Why do you always get so excited over Avengers Day? We see everyone at practice every week” Harley exasperatedly inquired, making his way over to the group at a far more leisurely pace.

"Any day celebrating the death of that purple space grape is a good day in my book" Peter justified, slightly defensive.

"Agreed. Now let's get this night over with shall we?" Loki proclaimed, activating his magic, teleporting the six of them to the Compound in a flash of green.

Within moments they were at the far end of the expanded lounge. Avengers of new and old as well as several of the Young Avengers were in attendance, crowding different sections of the room in clusters.

Tony spotted Strange and Christine by the bar engaged in an animated discussion with Bruce and Betty, and spied Hope and Scott speaking to Wilson and the Bartons by the pool table.

Personally he thought Hope could've done better than Lang, but at least she kept her last name. Hope Lang didn't roll off the tongue very nicely in his oh so humble opinion.

"Later Pops" Harley dismissed, immediately pulling Peter over to where Cassie, Cooper, Lila, RJ, Shuri, and Lily were facing off in a fierce Mario Kart competition that to his pride his pseudo-niece seemed to be winning.

"Daddy put me down! I want to go find Lyra and Sofia!" Morgan exclaimed, patting his shoulder excitedly.

"You know the rules Morgoona. No tampering or experimenting without supervision. Don't make me have to get your cousin Torunn to keep an eye on you" Tony reminded her as he set her down, giving her a playful I'm-watching you gesture.

"Thank Frigga my niece inherited her Mother's brains" Loki commented in relief as he watched his daughter run off into the crowd, tightening his grip on Jamie, who much to his relief was more interested in clinging to his parents then mingling with the plebians.

"Tony. Loki" Steve greeted, he and Sharon linked arm and arm as they walked up to the royal couple after politely dismissing themselves from their discussion with the ex-Russian assassin version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

"Rogers" Tony greeted in kind, "I'm assuming your spawn are around here somewhere as well"

Steve nodded, "James and Sarah are with Azari somewhere in all the festivities".

"I'm pretty sure all the younger ones are at the mini obstacle course. From what I saw it was getting pretty competitive, though Nate has them all beat at precision" Sharon expounded.

"An unexpected surprise" Loki drolled sarcastically, already having reached his threshold for tolerance of imbeciles.

"Speaking of surprises, Wanda and Vision are here with the twins this year" Rhodey commented (read: warned), having immediately made his way over when he saw that Rogers had cornered Tony and Loki already, Carol and Monica following after him.

Tony blinked several times in surprise.

Though Wanda and Vision eventually became a couple, Tony could still see the longing and bitterness in Maximoff's eyes whenever she saw him with Loki.

He heard from Vision that she had another mini-breakdown years ago when she learned that Loki was pregnant with Morgan, but nothing more on the subject other than that.

Strange kept her locked up pretty tight at Kamar-Taj, so aside from the battle against Thanos he's only seen her in passing since she went full on Wicked Witch of the West six years ago.

In fact, Wanda, and by extension Vision, hasn't attended Avengers Day at the Compound in the last couple years.

He knew that she had twins about two years ago via artificial insemination, but unlike the rest of the Avengers' kids he'd yet to see hide nor hair of them.

Suddenly a tiny blur rammed into his legs.

Instinctively reaching out, Tony caught the white-haired brown eyed toddler against his legs before he could fall, his eyes widening at the resemblance to Pietro.

The tiny human squealed in delight upon seeing Tony, squeezing his legs as tight as his small arms could manage.

"Whoa there Speed Racer. Where's your Mommy?" Tony uncomfortably inquired, no doubt in his mind that the tiny being currently clinging to him was Maximoff's.

"Tommy you need to be careful. You can't just run into people. Remember it's rude" Steve lectured the young boy softly, though from what Tony could see the toddler just ignored him completely, which Tony found entirely amusing.

Suddenly another happy laugh permeated the air as a brown-haired toddler, surrounded by blue energy, levitated right into Tony's chest, forcing him to wrap his arms around the child to keep him from falling.

"Jesus!" Tony exclaimed in surprise, startled by the child's sudden appearance.

"Not Jesus. Billy" the toddler corrected, a wide smile on his face.

"A wry one aren't you?" Tony muttered, mildly impressed by the sass.

Loki narrowed his eyes at the unwelcome intrusion into _his_ husband's space by Maximoff's spawns.

"As you can see the twins are quite the handful, hence why Wanda and Vision haven't brought them by until now" Sharon commented, thoroughly amused by Tony's plight.

"No!" Jamie screeched out from his place in Loki's arms, swirls of green appearing around his hands, "My Daddy!"

Loki (reluctantly) shielded the brat in Tony's arms when Jamie released a none to gentle blast of magic in his anger.

Tony subconsciously gripped the toddlers tighter at the sudden attack and shielding.

He swore possessiveness was genetic.

"Our Daddy!" Tommy corrected, his nose scrunching in offense, "Mommy said so!"

"……………"

Tony stiffened, his eyes widening in horror at the possible implications.

No.

No it wasn't possible.

It _couldn't_ be possible.

......But the two sets of familiar deep brown eyes staring back at him begged to differ.

Wanda came rushing over to their group in a panic, Vision floating hot on her heels.

"Mommy tell Daddy the secret!" Billy exclaimed, determined to prove that he was right.

Wanda's eyes widened in terror.

Green began to flow from Loki's form, his expression one of absolute fury.

'Whelp, talk about family reunion drama...Happy holidays' Tony thought sarcastically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha I'm a tad bit evil. Sorry not sorry. But Happy Holidays!
> 
> The couples and their children/mentees go as follows:
> 
> Tony & Loki: (children) Morgan Frigga Lokisdottir-Stark, James Edwin Lokisson-Stark; (mentees) Peter, Harley  
> Thor & Jane: (child) Torunn Foster-Thorsdottir  
> Steve & Sharon: (children) James Samuel Rogers, Sarah Margaret Rogers  
> Bruce & Betty: (child) Lyra Banner  
> Bucky & Natasha: (adopted child) RJ  
> Strange & Christine: (child) Sofia Strange  
> T'Challa & Ross: (child) Azari  
> Rhodey & Carol: (mentees) Lily Rhodes, Monica Rambeau  
> Scott & Hope: (daughter/mentee) Cassie Lang  
> Clint & Laura: (children) Cooper, Lila, Nathaniel Barton  
> Wanda & "Vision": (children) Tommy and Billy Maximoff  
> Poor Sam :(  
> Nakia was a surrogate for T'Challa/Everett Ross, sorry I forgot to clarify that!


	8. Part 2 is UP!!

Hi All!

I just posted the first chapter of Snakes Symbolize So Much More, the companion piece to Sweet But Psycho But from Loki's POV!

This series is now called The Trials and Tribulations of the Mechanic and the Trickster. You will find the work there.

Enjoy!!


End file.
